by Justin Markert

CLEVELAND – It was announced early this week that Cleveland ranked 2nd on a list of Top 10 Cities Whose Residents Love To Read Articles About Their City Ranking In Top 10 Lists. The list was put together using data gathered from… well we don’t know, and frankly we don’t care. Regardless of the publication, who the writer is, or if said writer has even ever been to Cleveland, got compliments? We’ll take ‘em!

Cleveland advocates across the Twittersphere and Facebook universe joyfully clog each other’s social feeds through likes, tweets, posts, reposts, and retweets with any and every outside acknowledgement of the greatness of the 216. This spread of self congratulatory awareness through clicks, fires up the boosters, enrages the cynics, and most importantly- increases web traffic and sells more ads for the publishers. Some residents wonder why Cleveland didn’t rank 1st in this somewhat weak attempt at satire. Well, while this article is fake, we thought it should have at least SOME authenticity.

No Cleveland Top 10 appearance would be complete without a few local references to either A. show that the writer has some hip insight or B. doesn’t even bother and goes straight for the most obvious references. So we’re going to go another layer deep. A top 10 list within an article about Top 10 lists. Inception style.

Top 10 overused things to include when writing a poorly researched Cleveland entry for your Top 10 list:

10. Even though there are countless examples of incredible classic and contemporary architecture in Cleveland (The Terminal Tower, The Peter B. Lewis Building, The Old Arcade, and now the new MOCA) be sure you use a picture of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

9. When getting ready to praise this fine city, make sure you stick a jab in there first about how we were once awful, try “mistake on the lake,” or a reminder that our river was once on fire, anything 15 years or older will do.

8. Say, “Cleveland Rocks!”

7. When talking about why Cleveland rocks specifically, only talk about chain venues like the House of Blues and  Hard Rock Café that are in every other city, and clubs with absolutely no integrity who are only in business for so many years by taking advantage of the constant stream of naïve high school bands (rhymes with greedbody’s); please make no reference to the venues that are doing truly great things like the Beachland Ballroom, Grog Shop, Happy Dog, Now That’s Class, and Cellar Door (wink!).

6. When talking about how awesome we are, just talk about bars and restaurants; please don’t reference the Cleveland Clinic and how they constantly rank at the top of lists that are actually created using hard facts.

5. Remind us that none of our sports teams have won a championship in almost 50 years, because we almost forgot.

4. Don’t worry about whether your Top 10 list is positive or negative. Even if it’s a bad thing, we’ll still spread it like wildfire.

3. Talk about Lebron James leaving. We love that. Especially if you do something clever with the phrase “taking (blank) down to South Beach.”

2. Say “Drew Carey.”

1. Make sure your article, just like every other out there, references Michael Symon, the West Side Market, Great Lakes Brewing Co., The Cleveland Orchestra, and Happy Dog. Actually, we’ve got nothing snarky to say here. We’re totally fine with this one. Keep doing it and keep sending the love.

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